I was only four when you left. I didn’t cry cause I had no idea what that meant; how I was supposed to feel. When we laid you to rest and had to go on with life it still didn’t click, grandma took me to school as usual and then she later on left too. I reacted this time because I think i had a clue about what was going on and it pained me so much. I had grown so attached to her, this part of me has never gone away to date. She was a major part of my early life, taking me to school every single morning, buying me snacks and picking me up in the afternoon. Going to church with her in the middle of the week. Those are some of the memories I still remember from the little time I got to spend with her.
What pains me more is the fact that I never got to spend a little more time with you. We never got to make lots of memories like what I hear from everyone else who came before me. All I remember is that you used to carry me when you were seated outside after work. And I also remember you bringing me cake to eat with my cousins. The very last memory I have is that you carried me to bed with you the day you were leaving but I didn’t know that was last time we would sleep on the same bed together. I’m not sure people think I remember much from that night. That place is now my room and my bed is on that exact same position.
I know someone out there is always crying themself to sleep every single night because of this but they don’t even know how to talk to someone because like me they wonder how do you miss someone you never got to spend so much time with? Maybe it’s because you wish you got to make more memories? Or is it because you wish they could see what you’ve become? How proud they would have been of you? Or that you wouldn’t have to go through some things alone because they would have been there to help?
I’ve carried this with me for 15 years of my life because everyone just expects us to heal cause we’re just kids right? We will eventually forget it happened and we’ll move on but no one stops to think the impact it has on children. Some wounds scar but never heal. They keep on haunting us for the rest of our lives. We live with the hope that we will have it good during the day so that we will think about it during the night and the memories don’t come knocking.
The world has become so full of people competing for the position of judge and prosecutor that people suffering out there have no one to lean on. Someone’s problem isn’t big enough to be called one because someone has a worse situation. Our worlds are so different: a problem could be so minute to you but it could be tearing apart someone else’s world. So today try to give a listening ear to someone who needs it. You don’t have to be an advisor.
Sometimes all we need is someone to listen.