The questions can be so simple but the answers so complicated. I’d be lying if I say yes and the same goes for no. The sad truth is I don’t know whether I’m happy. One minute I’m laughing out loud because I’m spending time with these awesome people around me and the next I’m drowning in my own thoughts. Sometimes I just have this urge to talk to someone and tell them I’m breaking but I’m unable to maybe it’s because they seem so happy that I think I might sadden them? Maybe I’m afraid of how they’ll look at me cause I’m the strong one? Some even actually offer a shoulder to cry on but my mouth won’t open.
Everyone is unhappy from time to time. But this one is different. As much as we all try to tell ourselves happiness comes from within us, most of the time, this is not true. I’ve come to realize happiness is a product of everything around us. Ranging from the peace in your own family to peace with yourself and neighbors.
Family is a source of joy. I will not say each and everyone of us drew a picture of the family when we were growing up but someone most certainly did and they had this huge smile on their faces as they did so. Why do we look forward to holidays? Why do we look forward to weekends? We might say that I wish I could choose the family I grew up in or I wish I could change my family but if the choice was given to us we would be unable to do it. Yes they drive us crazy but they are still family and we love them.
Again not all of us look forward to holidays. We hate the fact that we have to go home, prepare a meal and eat it by ourselves; the idea of showering, dressing up and going somewhere all by ourselves; doing everything by ourselves. We cry at the thought of the memories we could have created together which we can’t because everyone is on their own. Our own parents are so wrapped up in their businesses and their own problems that they don’t realize we’re hurting. We end up in solitude not because we love it so much but it’s because it’s the only time we can cry our eyes out and not having to explain to anyone why it’s happening.
Yes we have friends and boyfriends but at the end of the day they’ll go home to their families. No one can fill the void that is left by a broken family, not your best friend, not even a parent. There is a warmth that comes with knowing I had a bad day but I’ll go home to a loving family and I will overcome this.
The pain is too much to bear. The thoughts weigh you down. You can’t dare to be happy cause the one place you sought your comfort from ceases to exist. Everytime you succeed in ignoring it, you see a happy family. You hear them laugh and the pain hits you all at once.