growing · life

Bad pages

I badly want to sit here and quote Shawn saying
"laying on the bathroom floor feeling nothing"
but I can't 
not that I can't quote him no, 
just it's just that specific line but 
I know one others that I can
"overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly"
I can't because I'm feeling everything
It's like how you feel the impact of 
all potholes along the road when you're cramping
how you feel the lights hurting your eyes or 
how people's voices seem magnified  
when you have a terrible headache
I can't help but feel everything

Have you ever sat down and felt like
 finally things are falling into place
you're skin is glowing
you mend your relationships 
you're happy
you're at peace with yourself 
and then life hits you with a plot twist 
and you're left wondering what on earth 
you did wrong
when all you did is be kind to yourself 
and everyone else around you
everything you worked so hard to build is coming down 
and there's absolutely nothing you can do but sit down 
and just watch it fall
because you're too shook to do anything about it
you can't cry even though you badly want to cry it out 
so you can feel better already
you want to actually stand in the shower 
and cry and maybe as the tears go down with the water
so will the pain and so will the bad occurrences
i want to really convince myself that it's one bad page 
and it will get better but it feels like a chapter 
full of unanswered questions 
questions that are not even supposed to be asked 
it's a chapter that feels as though you're
 carrying the weight of the world
all by yourself
"which isn't true but it's a lie that 
both of us believe in"     


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