growing · life

Life is a cosine curve

Life is a cosine curve, well maybe most of us don’t remember what that is but I felt like I should brag a little about my prowess in math so forgive me, and the only time it becomes constant is: when your brain stop sending signals to your heart to pump blood and not when your lungs give out, they don’t; it’s just that we are so used to blaming that poor organ like we blame others for the things we should take responsibility for. I feel like I’m straying from the main topic which I still don’t know what it is but the journey has begun and there’s no going back.

I’m not the type of person who sees what my future will look like: who will be there, who won’t, the exact number of rooms in my house or the colour of my living room carpet or cushions. Not that I don’t have a plan, I do. I know what type of car I’d love to drive; I know I’d like to own a house and so many other things. I’d like to think that I’m not a visual person although I know what I want.
We’re born, we cry for the first time, we learn to sit, crawl, grow our very first tooth, we learn to walk and we speak our very first words. We make our very first set of friends who we don’t actually know are our friends at that early age, we are usually like, “mama, ona toto” , we grow a little and then learn their names and start playing outside together. We find one to tell our little secrets, they become our very first best friend without us even realizing it. We lose touch with some and remain with a few- growth. We’ve come a long way.

I never thought I’d sit down one day and not be able to mentions some names; names that I never thought would lack in my story when I talk about my experiences; names that just come up in conversations without you even realizing they came up. It’s the type of loss you can never get over. Its years of laughter, joy, tears and a string of endless bad decisions. Those names never cross your mind and leave without you feeling that hollowness in your heart, that longing to have it again even if it’s just for a split second just to relive that moment again. It’s those endless memories in photographs that you’ll never gather enough courage to delete; it’s that bucket list you needed to check together; it’s so many things that I can never get the right words to express. You just wake up and realize you’ll never see their number on your call logs and you can’t reach out because you don’t have any extra brick to add to that wall you were building; it dawns on you that your relationship will be just one of those buildings you always see that are incomplete and you wonder why the owners stopped the construction. It’s like an incomplete sentence because there are no extra words to be added even though there’s so much room for more.

It’s a cocktail of emotions. There’s the anger that comes with not talking; not admitting mistakes; the little hope like maybe we should try again it might work out; there’s the guilt that comes with the decision to move on- the voice that tells you if you actually move on it would appear as though you didn’t try enough or you just wanted to let go. There’s the fear that you’ll never be able to create something that comes close to that or even half of what you had. They play on repeat and the funny thing is that sometimes that’s the only song that decides to play.

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